Reconnecting with your authentic self

For a long time, I was trying to become someone "new."

I thought healing would eventually turn me into a different woman. A more confident woman. A woman who felt free in her body, connected to her intuition, expressive, joyful, and fully alive.

So I kept doing the work. But somewhere along the way, I unknowingly adopted the belief that the woman I wanted to be was waiting for me on the other side of more healing.

That if I just healed enough, learned enough, fixed enough, I would finally arrive.

I thought she existed somewhere in the future.

A few years ago, if you had asked me what I truly desired, what brought me joy, what made me feel alive, I don't know that I would have had an answer. Because I had become so disconnected from myself that I could no longer hear them.

Looking back now, I can see that so much of my life had been spent in survival mode.

When you're in survival mode, your energy goes toward getting through the day. You focus on responsibilities, obligations, work, health concerns, and the endless list of things that need your attention. You become so focused on managing life that you stop participating in it.

At least that's what happened to me.

There was a period of my life when I was so consumed with trying to feel better physically, emotionally, and mentally that I didn't realize how much of myself had quietly gone dormant in the process. My attention was constantly focused on what wasn't working and what needed fixing.

Without realizing it, survival mode had become my default way of living.

And survival leaves very little room for play.

It leaves little room for spontaneity, pleasure, creativity, sensuality, curiosity, or joy.

Those parts of us aren't necessary for survival, so they often get pushed aside when life feels overwhelming. Not because they're unimportant, but because our nervous systems are focused on keeping us safe.

For a long time, I mistook their absence as evidence that something was wrong with me.

I thought, “I’m not naturally playful.”

“I’m not creative.”

“I’m not sensual.”

“I don’t have a sense of humor.”

I had accepted that I just wasn't one of those women who felt deeply connected to herself.

But that wasn't true. Those parts of me were simply buried.

As I began reconnecting with my body and creating more safety within myself- through nervous system regulation, EFT tapping, dancing, and somatic work something surprising started to happen. Little pieces of me began to reappear. It wasn’t dramatic or all at once, it happened slowly…

I started laughing more.

I had the urge to dance.

It felt easier to express myself.

My desire returned. Creative inspiration began flowing.

I was noticing beauty all around.

I started FEELING more alive.

And what struck me most was that all of these qualities already lived within me!

I wasn't creating them. I was uncovering them. That woman had been there all along, patiently waiting beneath everything that had convinced me I wasn’t HER.

This is what I think many women are truly searching for when they begin a healing journey. Not perfection. Not fixing every flaw. I think they're searching for something they can't quite put into words.

It’s a feeling. A sense of aliveness. A deeper connection to their playfulness, joy, purpose, their bodies, and their lives.

I want to leave you with a question:

What have you learned about how to survive, and what haven't you learned yet about how to live?